this.is.your.brain.on.drugs/

genuinely fucking pissed, i don’t know why i bother.

LOL IM FUCKING DYING

i’ve gotten rid of hella ties and associations and it doesn’t take much for me to cut someone off right now. all i’m saying is if you’re not here for rock bottom, don’t seek me out when i’m building myself back up, real talk.

all i ever do here is rant about how fucking stupid everything is. in the last year i’ve had to deal with having a kid and putting it up for adoption, losing my ‘best friend’, losing my license and something new happening every day. but wait who gives a fuck? i wonder. oh yeah, nobody. not once has somebody said ‘how are you today?’ ‘need anything?’, or anything along those lines without me being at rock bottom and it being obvious. then everybody wants to run to me with their problems, and i’m supposed to be there no matter what? no therapy for me, barely getting by smoking weed and i get criticized for that. like i don’t expect shit from anybody, but in all these years it’d be nice for someone to genuinely give a fuck. regardless, what am i supposed to do? say i’m done being nice, done looking out for people? and that’ll last a few days, but i can’t be a heartless bastard no matter how hard i try. i can’t emotionally detach myself from situations, and that’s what makes me fucking weak and bait for all these snakes. 

in all honestly though, i crash my car into a wall doing 60 and nobody even reacts lol. that’s really some shit, how am i supposed to feel when nobody goes out of their way for me. nobody really cares what i’m up to, how i’m feeling. my parents don’t ask, my friends don’t ask unless i look miserable. i’m the fucked up one though. it must be my own fault that everybody tries walking all over me. 

&& i can’t fucking stand how people say ‘this is so hard’ or ‘i can’t take this’ or anything along those lines and then expect me to be like oh my god no way i’m so sorry. who the fuck feels for me? like what happened to you get what you give? 

&  oh yeah, who gave a fuck about my side when my ex had this kid? fucking nobody, not one person said ‘maybe he’s hurting too’. not one person asked me how i felt about it, they all just looked at me as a deadbeat, another statistic. a lost cause with no future because i made a few mistakes. 

it’d be nice if somebody for once took the time to shut the fuck up and stop pushing their agenda on me and listen to what i have to say. just because i’m distant and cold doesn’t mean i don’t feel. nobody’s been there to say ‘it’ll be okay’ when i was mentally ruined and i couldn’t even smile. i’ve cried myself to sleep, cried like a bitch and nobody knows. 

& it’d make all the sense in the world to just off myself, i’m not doing anybody any good, i’m not making any differences. i just can’t because i know it’d kill my parents and brother inside, and i’m not emotionally scarring them.

since i was 8 years old, my dad’s been too busy with another family, i obviously wasn’t important enough. i saw my mom get abused, cried all the time and got so used to pain. and then what happens? bad luck strikes again and i’m sitting there at 11 years old in a dentists office because i chipped a front tooth playing ‘football’, little did i know that would radically change the direction of my life. for years i got picked on, verbally assaulted and who the fuck was there for me? nobody and there i sat still feeling bad for people as if they looked out for me. 

then middle school

another chapter, maybe a different story? right?

no, fucking more bullshit, getting picked on every day for being mexican, or being pale, or not being a hoodrat, or not having all my teeth, or not being able to afford nice clothes because my dad was supporting two families. not one person gave a fuck about me, the two people that were my ‘friends’ talked behind my back, and did me more harm than good. somewhere  in between being talked down to the depths of depression and isolation, i snapped.

suicide made so much sense, the concept of killing myself (as far as i know) hadn’t been introduced to me, it was a natural occurrence in my brain. i found a way to hold on and shit was fine i guess, dull and painful but the worst was over it seemed.

now time to transition to high school

where things get real and you become who you are. people were fake, fucked me over, and i learned lessons, did what i could to get by.

high school was bullshit, but whatever i got out. barely got out, but nonetheless.

and there’s so much more to all of this but i’ve cooled down.

i just wish somebody actually gave a fuck about me, maybe even half a fuck would be enough.

rant’s over, i need to take a walk.